By the Grace of the Universe

I

am

Completely,

Perfectly,

Truthfully

and

Comfortably

Me,

Even

When

I

Am

with

You

Food For My Thoughts

Lately I've been doing a bazillion things and lacking focus. Falling in love, Improving my mothering skills, making dinner a sit down time, writing books, planning a dreamy vacation, daydreaming about my future, setting intentions, Starting a business, maintaining friendships: Time to Prioritize! I have been extremely lethargic lately, especially with the light fleeing the Alaskan winter days, so I am making a better effort to eat more greens, veggies and mushrooms; and I am already feeling better, so it must be time to share some more recipes!!!

(ABOVE) Flax Crackers & Energy Soup

Flax Crackers

2 cu soaked flax seed

2 medium tomatoes

1/2 cu pumpkin seeds

Chili Powder

Pinch of Salt

* Process then dehydrate overnight

Energy Soup

1 Apple

2-3 cu Spinach

sm head of Broccoli

1/4 cu Hemp Seeds

1 cu sprouts

1 Avocado

chili powder

garlic powder

sea salt

*Blend with enough water to make soupy consistency. Dehydrate left overs and use as a 'tortilla' for a delicious meal!

Pumpkin Coconut Dream topped with Chia Mix

3 cu Pumpkin

Flesh of 1 young coconut

6-9 Soaked dates

Water for consistency (date soak water)

Cinnamon

Nutmeg

Cloves

*Blend together until Creamy, refrigerate to set

Chia Mix

Chia Seeds

Pumpkin Seeds

Hemp Seeds

Dried Cranberries

Travinn helping make a delicious Apple breakfast from Stephanies blog! http://rawliciousbarbie.blogspot.com/2009/10/recovering-procrastinator.html

Spice Up Your Alaskan Nights!

Cashews (soaked for a few hours)

Spinach

Mushrooms

Ginger

Garlic

Cayenne

Turmeric

Nama Shoyu or Amino acids (optional)

Sea salt

Curry Powder

Big Squeeze of Lemon

* toss and enjoy

My son is amazingly thoughtful! Bought me calalilies today!! One of my favorite flowers, for four years old he knows me pretty damn well!

This is my dream manifesting into my reality. I am humbled by the blessings in my life.

Holding Fast to My Beliefs

I offer no apologies for the choices I make in life. And against the grain is how I roll, not because its easy, no, ignorance is blissful, Too bad I am way beyond that! Its difficult being the minority, an entire society of norms that I won't be a part of, its not easy. But the rewards I reap for my persistence are awe inspiring.
I came from the life of misery, depression, obesity, hopelessness, asthma, disconnect....All of these things are a part of peoples everyday lives, not ours, and they shouldn't be a part of yours either. I make my choices to honor my body and spirit, the spirit I was once lost from. A will not falter for I cannot fail.
Yesterday I was mocked because I made a comment about a cooked dish sounding good! Well this particular dish is something that has very nostalgic memories of family, love and my grandparents, I did not eat it, but yesterday it sounded real good; however my thoughts always spin past a craving into, 'how will my body react to this?' and it wouldn't be good. Yesterday I had the best Sunday morning I recall, laying in the arms of love, gazing into the eyes of honesty and understanding, walking away from that joy and into a house of mockery and judgement really doesn't work for me, I don't deserve to be ridiculed for personal lifestyle choices that don't even affect these people (well maybe it does on an internal level, I suspect my choices create an avenue for them to look at their own choices and possibly thats where the resentment comes from).
I choose beneficial foods to put in my body, I am more in touch with my spirit, my true desires in life, and all of my family here on earth vibrating at a higher frequency than the 'most.' I created my life and to be where I am feels glorious. I will not live in a house with chemicals, they are unnecessary, harmful and toxic not only to the earth but to our own health; there are alternatives. I will not wash my body or slather my body in toxic cosmetics and body products. I will not raise my self or my son in a house where coffee, soda, dairy, commercially farmed animal products and junk food are staples. Our home should be a reflection of our body- not full of harmful substances that disconnect us from our higher selves and hold the potential to kill us. And trust me they do! You can find this out on your own if you simply remove the pollutants from your life, emotional, chemical, dietary, and relationship. One huge pollutant is negativity, another thing I can't raise my consciousness or my sons in the constant presence of. I don't watch the news, I don't listen to death metal, these things are filled with energy sucking negativity- what happy person needs that?

I am unwavering, not close minded, on my choices to detoxify my life in every aspect, So far I have found it easiest to live alone. I get lonely, but I will not settle for less than I deserve. (this is general by the way, not directed at anyone) I hope for consciousness to attract its way to me and I am so grateful for my raw community, although lately I have been a little closed in, but I am missing them already!
Surround yourself with love, nature and positive relationships and let your light shine!

The Path of the River: Mirrors

The river waters run over, through, around, atop, below and against the rocks and roots and obstacles in its way. Nature doesn't provide a smooth, obstacle free path; we are intended to learn.

I find that relationships with loved ones, although they tend to grow over the years, the patterns remain the same for they are deep rooted. I have found that certain people in my life, that I love dearly, don't suit my needs, they don't provide the harmony I seek in relationships. To come away from an encounter knowing that someone begrudges you for your happiness, doesn't support you, thinks your thoughts and ideas are invalid and has unfounded opinions of you, it leaves me drained and unhappy.

Dear so n so female, you have always been a constant wall in my life, you never accepted me for the person I am and have been, you judge me harshly, you fault me for your unhappiness, you don't say kind words to me, your support is false if ever present. I am surprised the more conscious I become that two people so intertwined by biology can vibrate on such different levels and yours is so low that it feels like I am drained every time I am around you, this is a feeling I avoid in all other people, if someone drains me, I remove them from my life, but like I said, we are intertwined, but all threads can become unraveled. And yes, I understand that you are a mirror to my fears, but these fears were instilled upon me by you during my upbringing and in order for this melancholy relationship of ours to grow or be less damaging to me emotionally, something must change, for I am unwilling to to continue this way.

Dear so and so male, I find your ignorance and stupidity astounding. The truth of the matter is, I am smart, I do know what I am talking about if I am talking about it. To realize that I have more knowledge in some aspects than you was a hard fact for me to face, but it is blatantly obvious. You choose not to validate my knowledge, you choose to ignore my truth, you choose not to listen, you try to belittle me- as if words like stupid and moronic and idiot really effect me anymore, I am a being of light who has much knowledge and love to give, if you don't want to receive then by all means, don't waste your time, or mine. I am sad to see you ignore truth, but your path is your own and I don't want your constant negativity to be a part of my life.

Dear sweet child, I do my best by you and in return I see you falling into behaviors of my own child hood, I don't know if you have been influenced by environment around you or not, but to be yelled at, hit, kicked and words spilling from your lips that literally made my heart feel as if it was shattering, its not bearable, mothering is the most rewarding and difficult thing I have ever done. I fill your path with love and support and I pray very much that you find in me the tools you need to find an everlasting life of happiness.

Who I am, I find myself judged for my choices so often, that on occasion I feel the need to sit back and analyze my life. I am a strong woman who believes in love, I want a life filled with love, happiness, support, growth, equality, partnership and joy. I don't need make up to feel pretty, I have nothing to hide. I like to wear my hair messy, I'm keeping the twine I braided and knotted in for Halloween, cause I like it. I like to wear my septum ring. I like my tattoos to show. I like to let my weirdness flow and yell as loud as I can, often, for no apparent reason. I like that I say random things and few people understand me, although I am constantly seeking those who do. I like to wear my yoga pants with no underwear and wear over sized wool sweaters- and yeah, I do feel sexy when I'm wearing it! I don't feel obligated to fulfill others expectations of me. My boobs aren't perky, they used to be, I had a baby and have lost 70lbs, and no, I won't ever get a boob job because I am me, I am real, is there really a better way to be? Not for me (although I judge no one for making decisions that best suit their own happiness, whether they be choices I would make or not). I want to help others find more health, happiness and harmony in their lives, but not at the expense of my personal expression and self truth. I can't truly help others if I am suppressing pieces of me.

Love

So I recently made the conscious choice to find and embrace love. This is love. This is Shane. In him I find support, understanding, compassion, and hope. I have a rekindled faith in hope and everyday I learn something new about myself in my efforts to love him in the most honest and respectful way. I recognized my fear of 'liking someone more than they like me,' while wondering where it came from when a beautiful epiphany floated my way. And in it my key to freedom from this hindering thought. My fear is actually a need to be in control, to not be manipulated. As a result of my marriage I chose to be in control of all future situations so I couldn't be controlled, manipulated or abused ever again. In my marriage I was the one who loved and cared thus making it so easy for him to manipulate me because I wasn't important or respected, but I was willing to do anything for him. (Until I gained an ounce of self respect that is, much to do with being a mother.)

Ahh, releasing that hindrance felt wonderful, with realization comes such great freedom. I choose to love equally and respectfully, honestly and in a way that preserves my self truth as well as his. I choose healthy love for the first time in all of my life. And I am grateful that my mirror chooses me.

If I wrote You a Love Song...

I would sing about the sky being full of more stars than ever before,


How the night is more crisp and clear,


How the sun shines for you and I,


How the electricity lifts me,


How I melt into you,


How your lips are like magic,


How your touch fills my depths with warmth,


How completeness accompanies being by your side,


The rush of emotions every time I see you,

The tingling sensation every time I think you,


The comfort I find in your arms,


The sense of home I find in your heart,


The breeze of joy that rushes past my face,


The sounds of serenity that fills my ears in the presence of you,


The end of a search,


The beginning of beautiful,


Surrounded by seeing, More Beauty than ever before,


The excitement in acceptance and appreciation,


The Gift I see in you Everyday,


The gratefulness in my spirit to know yours,


The sound of understanding,


The place of Love- Unfiltered,


My place of Peace living within You,


My place of honesty in which I requested,


The leaves fall slowly to the ground,


The sun smiles sweetly upon me,


The air supports my weightlessness,


In you I find Love,


A place of new,


A place of truth

A Light to Illuminate the The Dark

Light shining bright,

Illuminating the Grey,

Ask and Recieve,

Choosing to believe,

I am grateful,

I am light,

I am sunbeam in a field,

A sparkle in the Night Sky,

Reason for Diamonds Streaming Down my Face,

Heart Pounding so Hard I swear it grew Wings,

Yellows and Greens Swirling through my soul,


Sweet Light Illuminating my Heart,


Thank You

Had Nots & Have Nows

HAD NOTS

I had not love, I had not true friendship, I had not sincerity, I had not support, I had not understanding, I had not Love.

Today on my last day of work enjoying the lovely commute home, I was thinking about how much joy is in my life and how much it has to do with the relationships I surround myself in.

I used to date men that told me I was beautiful, right before they told me how no one would ever put up with me or love me other than them, they accused me of things that weren't true, they lied to me, they never understood me, they called me names, we'll leave the physical abuse vague, but you get the point, I had a hard time loving me and all I attracted were people who wanted to keep me down and hate myself so I was always there with them, too meek to leave. I knew the hurtful things they said and did were wrong, but after a while, it's hard not to think they're right and I was crazy for thinking I was better than that. Being told something over and over doesn't make it true, but sometimes it makes it believable. I didn't feel I deserved to be treated well. I didn't experience genuine feelings towards me, they were manipulative and I felt trapped and unhappy, for years. Emotionally I was caged because my feelings were never validated. The lack of sincerity was a constant hardship on my mind and things were only done for me so they could be used against me later. I was nothing more than an object, so easily mistreated and discarded. These relationships took so much of my light away from me. Finally I was ready to break free, never easily mind you, I stayed way too long, went back way too many times and allowed myself to be hurt over and over again. I was always yearning for more with a big hole in my soul where fulfillment should be, a constant hopelessness.

Finally: NO MORE

And My HAVE NOWS

I have now abundant love, abundant light, abundant friendship, abundant genuineness and all because I realized I deserve it. And I do, just as everyone does, but the mutual respect, honesty, openness and kind caring I am experiencing in a relationship- wow, unbeatable, believable, with effort, but unbeatable. I am so fulfilled in every aspect of my being. I am more conscious than I have ever been. I am open, honest and understood. I am excited about living and all the possibility!

My Sex, yes my sex, I am having the best sex of my life, the best I have ever experienced, EVER. The kind of sex I yearned for, the kind of lover I dreamed of, the kind of lover I thought may only ever live in my dreams, but finally- sex tied into all aspects of me and him and our bond, the physical sex, the emotional sex, the mental sex, the spiritual sex, the connection between us on all levels, ahh. Sex can be good with anyone, but to be mind blowing the best ever, this only happens when you have an amazing connection, mutual feelings and true honesty with not only each other, but within ourselves.

I have always been a fan of the 'falling in love' stage, as every woman is, but I want more, been asking people in long lasting relationships lately if its possible to remain in love, with very positive feedback, ah the Hope inspired! I look forward to someday looking into someones eyes and realizing just how in love I still am with this person, years and years later, the falling part is still there because growth never ceases, I look forward to the falling, the staying, the growing, and allowing.

All my dreams come true, just the way of the universe I suppose, I am living in this magic and I feel blessed.....