Sometimes it is hard to find your voice....especially when you are young, scared or confused.
{the following is a true recollection regarding my experience of sexual violation}
Summer 1996
I am a fresh teenager, couple months after I turned 13, and I am staying at my cousins house. There is this boy/man I think is cute (he was 17, 18 or 19, not really sure). I never made out with a guy, never had any sexual experiences with a guy, so the 'fantasy' in my head is french kissing, what a rush to be young and seductive! So I flirted with the guy and we go for a walk with my cousin over to a river and then she leaves. We are alone, quite a ways away from the house, out of view of anyone and he kisses me, fantasy fulfilled, so much excitement coursing through my veins then he starts to ask about sex and I tell him I am a virgin and I have never 'done anything.'
Then He put his hand up my shirt, underneath my cotton under wire Mickey & Minnie Mouse bra and grabbed my right breast, I closed my eyes tighter and started to grasp at thoughts, how the hell do I get out of this? The excitement left me, I felt no pleasure, only fear. I was a scared child in that moment. I kept saying we should go back, I 'm a virgin, trying to talk him out of it and he just kept telling me I was lying and he knew that I was lying. Then he moved his hand from my breast and pushed his way down inside my pants and underwear and shoved his fingers inside of me, I didn't like it, I didn't want it, I didn't know how to get away, no one could even hear me if I screamed, I didn't want to be hurt so I just kept trying to talk him into stopping. He grabbed my hand and pushed it into his pants onto his erection and moved my hand up and down. What the hell is a 13 year old naive girl to do? I couldn't overpower him and I couldn't help but think that I did this, I put myself in this situation, I had no idea it would turn into this, I didn't even know what this was! Then he started to pull me towards a large fallen tree, he said we could do 'it' over there. I kept saying no, I kept telling him I was a virgin, that I don't want to, he told me to sit down on the tree, I just kept pulling away, finally I pulled away and got enough distance between us and started to head back to the house, lost in a frenzy of thoughts, fear still lingering but safety slowly seeping in.
So much innocence was lost that day. It set the tone for my sexual experiences and so many unhealthy choices and situations to be violated followed.
I don't know if it was fear or a desire to be 'cool,' but I never told anyone what happened and that I objected to it, I just casually acted like everything was fine. I even interacted with him in the future and never brought it up. I never shared details with anyone. In the past 15 years since it happened I only told a couple people about the fact that I was violated . To this day he probably thought what happened was okay, but today I spoke up, so never again will he be able to say it was okay.
How did I do this? Well, my recent self-work (mainly in chakra balancing and clearing) in recognizing violations in my past lead to a physical manifestation of this man yesterday. While out with my family I saw him. He approached me, hugged me, keeps it casual and mentions the 'good times' and makes an odd comment about my age and how young I was back then. It was awkward, and I felt my discomfort, but I spoke in a kind manner, felt no anger and kept my truth tucked away inside me. I have no anger or blame towards him, but today I realized I am able to speak. I wrote him and let him know exactly what happened from my perspective and that I was molested, by him. And then, on to sharing this truth with others, BLOGGIN'
There is a lot of tension in my stomach as I write this and revisit this experience, but I expect an abundance of healing from allowing this truth, this secret, I have carried for so long to be known. It holds no power over me anymore, I am no longer a weak child, I am a Body~Bright Woman Standing in My Truth and Healing.
LOVE
TRUTH
VOICE
WILL
LOVE
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