Friday, November 27, 2009

Thank You Thanksgiving!

My weekend has been truly wonderful!! My sister and I were busy busy Wednesday Night making all sorts of raw creations! Fajitas, cheesecake, kale chips, green bean casserole, mango tart, corn salad, Cheys Slammin' Salad and a whole bunch more! Then my sweet heart showed up with Beautiful sunflowers, oh how he shines in my life! We had a great evening together then Thanksgiving day came along and oh the things I am thankful for!! There are an endless amount of things I am grateful for, but today I am going to focus on the events of Thanksgiving day.

I dressed up my handsome little man in t-shirt and jeans, dress shirt underneath, we're casual-dress-up like that! He's my love-bug, I am so eternally grateful for the joy this little boy brings and shares with me

I am also so very grateful for my extended family, I went to an aunt and uncles home for our 2pm dinner and had a wonderful time seeing people I haven't seen for a while, small talkin it and sharing joy. To be surrounded by people who are interested in how I am and what I am doing as well as being supportive.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Lot of Honest. What is Family?

I do not come from Love

Time to stop hiding from my reality. The emotional and mental abuse I endured growing up is real and has lasting effects. I work hard everyday to be the best person I can be and for these experiences I am grateful.

I do not come from a place of love. love and appreciation have been journeys to learn and express, something lacking, something I desired for so very long. . I have never felt appreciated in my relationships, family or romantically. I finally realize why, without those bonds growing up, it was a struggle to find what I needed, when what I needed was so unfamiliar.

But standing in my light, my truth: love, I release shadows from my life and with the shadows, sometimes whole persons. I am so very grateful for my wonderful friends who are more my family than ever before. I choose love and I love well. I choose to be supported. I choose love; plain and simple. If you can not love me, then don't try to stand in my light, it is much too bright.

My mother never liked me growing up. She currently shows interest in my son, but not me. she used to hit me and kick me all the time, called me a bitch the whole time i was growing up, told me i was the reason she was unhappy and how she would have had a great life if i were never born. She was never interested in the things I did; she has never liked me or acted like she was proud of me. It hurts very much, but on her own journey she must walk, may light find its way into her heart as I find myself releasing her from mine.

My father is an irrational fool, says things that aren't true when he knows damn well they aren't. He told me a few years ago that he wished he had drowned me when I was born, that I am a piece of shit and so is my sister.
I do not come from love, I come from complete meanness, it was cruel the way my parents have chose to treat me and it hurts, the hurt doesn't just go away because I have accepted it over the years, it still feels open and on occasion they rub some salt in it too. But only if I am around, aha! Thus the need to remove myself from the situation.

I have never been appreciated by anyone in my family except Cheyenne. Being around them I feel unwanted and unloved; so why would I keep making them a significant part of my life or my sons? that kind of treatment has no place in my happiness.

"This is your father, well the guy that used to be your father, if you have any shit over here you'd better get it out by today, I am erasing your number from my phone as soon as I hang up and I will no longer have any contact with you. And if you can let that little Bitch Cheyenne make you treat your mother the way you did and let her treat your mother the way she does than I don't need anything to do with either of you ever again, FUCK YOU."
-this is the voicemail I received because my sister chose to move out of the house after a heated argument stemming from my sister and mother talking about how I fall short of good parenting, which they see my son maybe an hour a week if that! So she has come to stay with me for a while. And as a result of the past month of issues and slowly disconnecting myself from them, I decided to not go to thanksgiving. The voicemail is in response to my horrible treatment of my mother by calling her and explaining to her I will not be coming to Thanksgiving, then she did the mature thing and hung up on me; yes I am quite horrible for acting maturely right?please!

Does that sound like love? or like a father? or a mother? I am confused. I don't think I have ever been truly loved by my parents and it saddens me so deeply. I want to love, support and honor my son, I can't fathom treating my child the way my parents treat me.

I have 2 other siblings that treat my mother like a slave, curse at her, yell at her, tell her what a piece of shit she is, ask and receive money constantly and yet, I am repeatedly told that Cheyenne and I are the ones that treat her badly; what the fuck? i mean seriously, what the fuck? The other all out brawls we've had in the past were over, yes every time, over how one of my siblings treat my mom and Cheyenne or i chose to stand up for her, only to be slapped back down by her and the rest of them .
It hurts, but hopefully walking my path without their anger and cruelty will be a blessing.

Holidays are something I hope can be filled with joy and happiness, I want my son to know love, love that honors and respects one another. Holidays in my life were represented by a few things; #1 family coming together, #2 fighting and arguing, #3 my mother stressed out and miserable over something; not my idea of holiday family love! I want more for my son and my self. This thanksgiving I find so many doors of love opening to my son and I and I am grateful for each of them. I will be with my son, the love of my life and my sister, I will be happy, for I choose those who love me.
I choose to believe and act in a way that supports love and respect. What is family? family are those people in my life who offer me love, advice, concern and support. I am trying to release this burden I have carried for so long called family-loyalty, but finally I have the tools I need: I realize that my definition of family needs a little tweaking.

Friday, November 6, 2009

By the Grace of the Universe


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Food For My Thoughts

Lately I've been doing a bazillion things and lacking focus. Falling in love, Improving my mothering skills, making dinner a sit down time, writing books, planning a dreamy vacation, daydreaming about my future, setting intentions, Starting a business, maintaining friendships: Time to Prioritize! I have been extremely lethargic lately, especially with the light fleeing the Alaskan winter days, so I am making a better effort to eat more greens, veggies and mushrooms; and I am already feeling better, so it must be time to share some more recipes!!!
(ABOVE) Flax Crackers & Energy Soup
Flax Crackers
2 cu soaked flax seed
2 medium tomatoes
1/2 cu pumpkin seeds
Chili Powder
Pinch of Salt
* Process then dehydrate overnight
Energy Soup
1 Apple
2-3 cu Spinach
sm head of Broccoli
1/4 cu Hemp Seeds
1 cu sprouts
1 Avocado
chili powder
garlic powder
sea salt
*Blend with enough water to make soupy consistency. Dehydrate left overs and use as a 'tortilla' for a delicious meal!

Pumpkin Coconut Dream topped with Chia Mix
3 cu Pumpkin
Flesh of 1 young coconut
6-9 Soaked dates
Water for consistency (date soak water)
*Blend together until Creamy, refrigerate to set
Chia Mix
Chia Seeds
Pumpkin Seeds
Hemp Seeds
Dried Cranberries

Travinn helping make a delicious Apple breakfast from Stephanies blog!

Spice Up Your Alaskan Nights!
Cashews (soaked for a few hours)
Nama Shoyu or Amino acids (optional)
Sea salt
Curry Powder
Big Squeeze of Lemon
* toss and enjoy

My son is amazingly thoughtful! Bought me calalilies today!! One of my favorite flowers, for four years old he knows me pretty damn well!

This is my dream manifesting into my reality. I am humbled by the blessings in my life.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Holding Fast to My Beliefs

I offer no apologies for the choices I make in life. And against the grain is how I roll, not because its easy, no, ignorance is blissful, Too bad I am way beyond that! Its difficult being the minority, an entire society of norms that I won't be a part of, its not easy. But the rewards I reap for my persistence are awe inspiring.
I came from the life of misery, depression, obesity, hopelessness, asthma, disconnect....All of these things are a part of peoples everyday lives, not ours, and they shouldn't be a part of yours either. I make my choices to honor my body and spirit, the spirit I was once lost from. A will not falter for I cannot fail.
Yesterday I was mocked because I made a comment about a cooked dish sounding good! Well this particular dish is something that has very nostalgic memories of family, love and my grandparents, I did not eat it, but yesterday it sounded real good; however my thoughts always spin past a craving into, 'how will my body react to this?' and it wouldn't be good. Yesterday I had the best Sunday morning I recall, laying in the arms of love, gazing into the eyes of honesty and understanding, walking away from that joy and into a house of mockery and judgement really doesn't work for me, I don't deserve to be ridiculed for personal lifestyle choices that don't even affect these people (well maybe it does on an internal level, I suspect my choices create an avenue for them to look at their own choices and possibly thats where the resentment comes from).
I choose beneficial foods to put in my body, I am more in touch with my spirit, my true desires in life, and all of my family here on earth vibrating at a higher frequency than the 'most.' I created my life and to be where I am feels glorious. I will not live in a house with chemicals, they are unnecessary, harmful and toxic not only to the earth but to our own health; there are alternatives. I will not wash my body or slather my body in toxic cosmetics and body products. I will not raise my self or my son in a house where coffee, soda, dairy, commercially farmed animal products and junk food are staples. Our home should be a reflection of our body- not full of harmful substances that disconnect us from our higher selves and hold the potential to kill us. And trust me they do! You can find this out on your own if you simply remove the pollutants from your life, emotional, chemical, dietary, and relationship. One huge pollutant is negativity, another thing I can't raise my consciousness or my sons in the constant presence of. I don't watch the news, I don't listen to death metal, these things are filled with energy sucking negativity- what happy person needs that?

I am unwavering, not close minded, on my choices to detoxify my life in every aspect, So far I have found it easiest to live alone. I get lonely, but I will not settle for less than I deserve. (this is general by the way, not directed at anyone) I hope for consciousness to attract its way to me and I am so grateful for my raw community, although lately I have been a little closed in, but I am missing them already!
Surround yourself with love, nature and positive relationships and let your light shine!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Path of the River: Mirrors

The river waters run over, through, around, atop, below and against the rocks and roots and obstacles in its way. Nature doesn't provide a smooth, obstacle free path; we are intended to learn.

I find that relationships with loved ones, although they tend to grow over the years, the patterns remain the same for they are deep rooted. I have found that certain people in my life, that I love dearly, don't suit my needs, they don't provide the harmony I seek in relationships. To come away from an encounter knowing that someone begrudges you for your happiness, doesn't support you, thinks your thoughts and ideas are invalid and has unfounded opinions of you, it leaves me drained and unhappy.

Dear so n so female, you have always been a constant wall in my life, you never accepted me for the person I am and have been, you judge me harshly, you fault me for your unhappiness, you don't say kind words to me, your support is false if ever present. I am surprised the more conscious I become that two people so intertwined by biology can vibrate on such different levels and yours is so low that it feels like I am drained every time I am around you, this is a feeling I avoid in all other people, if someone drains me, I remove them from my life, but like I said, we are intertwined, but all threads can become unraveled. And yes, I understand that you are a mirror to my fears, but these fears were instilled upon me by you during my upbringing and in order for this melancholy relationship of ours to grow or be less damaging to me emotionally, something must change, for I am unwilling to to continue this way.

Dear so and so male, I find your ignorance and stupidity astounding. The truth of the matter is, I am smart, I do know what I am talking about if I am talking about it. To realize that I have more knowledge in some aspects than you was a hard fact for me to face, but it is blatantly obvious. You choose not to validate my knowledge, you choose to ignore my truth, you choose not to listen, you try to belittle me- as if words like stupid and moronic and idiot really effect me anymore, I am a being of light who has much knowledge and love to give, if you don't want to receive then by all means, don't waste your time, or mine. I am sad to see you ignore truth, but your path is your own and I don't want your constant negativity to be a part of my life.

Dear sweet child, I do my best by you and in return I see you falling into behaviors of my own child hood, I don't know if you have been influenced by environment around you or not, but to be yelled at, hit, kicked and words spilling from your lips that literally made my heart feel as if it was shattering, its not bearable, mothering is the most rewarding and difficult thing I have ever done. I fill your path with love and support and I pray very much that you find in me the tools you need to find an everlasting life of happiness.

Who I am, I find myself judged for my choices so often, that on occasion I feel the need to sit back and analyze my life. I am a strong woman who believes in love, I want a life filled with love, happiness, support, growth, equality, partnership and joy. I don't need make up to feel pretty, I have nothing to hide. I like to wear my hair messy, I'm keeping the twine I braided and knotted in for Halloween, cause I like it. I like to wear my septum ring. I like my tattoos to show. I like to let my weirdness flow and yell as loud as I can, often, for no apparent reason. I like that I say random things and few people understand me, although I am constantly seeking those who do. I like to wear my yoga pants with no underwear and wear over sized wool sweaters- and yeah, I do feel sexy when I'm wearing it! I don't feel obligated to fulfill others expectations of me. My boobs aren't perky, they used to be, I had a baby and have lost 70lbs, and no, I won't ever get a boob job because I am me, I am real, is there really a better way to be? Not for me (although I judge no one for making decisions that best suit their own happiness, whether they be choices I would make or not). I want to help others find more health, happiness and harmony in their lives, but not at the expense of my personal expression and self truth. I can't truly help others if I am suppressing pieces of me.


So I recently made the conscious choice to find and embrace love. My fear is actually a need to be in control, to not be manipulated. As a result of my marriage I chose to be in control of all future situations so I couldn't be controlled, manipulated or abused ever again. 

Ahh, releasing that hindrance felt wonderful, with realization comes such great freedom. I choose to love equally and respectfully, honestly and in a way that preserves my self truth as well as his. I choose healthy love for the first time in all of my life. And I am grateful that my mirror chooses me.