Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Had Nots & Have Nows

I had not love, I had not true friendship, I had not sincerity, I had not support, I had not understanding, I had not Love.
Today on my last day of work enjoying the lovely commute home, I was thinking about how much joy is in my life and how much it has to do with the relationships I surround myself in.
I used to date men that told me I was beautiful, right before they told me how no one would ever put up with me or love me other than them, they accused me of things that weren't true, they lied to me, they never understood me, they called me names, we'll leave the physical abuse vague, but you get the point, I had a hard time loving me and all I attracted were people who wanted to keep me down and hate myself so I was always there with them, too meek to leave. I knew the hurtful things they said and did were wrong, but after a while, it's hard not to think they're right and I was crazy for thinking I was better than that. Being told something over and over doesn't make it true, but sometimes it makes it believable. I didn't feel I deserved to be treated well. I didn't experience genuine feelings towards me, they were manipulative and I felt trapped and unhappy, for years. Emotionally I was caged because my feelings were never validated. The lack of sincerity was a constant hardship on my mind and things were only done for me so they could be used against me later. I was nothing more than an object, so easily mistreated and discarded. These relationships took so much of my light away from me. Finally I was ready to break free, never easily mind you, I stayed way too long, went back way too many times and allowed myself to be hurt over and over again. I was always yearning for more with a big hole in my soul where fulfillment should be, a constant hopelessness.
Finally: NO MORE
I have now abundant love, abundant light, abundant friendship, abundant genuineness and all because I realized I deserve it. And I do, just as everyone does, but the mutual respect, honesty, openness and kind caring I am experiencing in a relationship- wow, unbeatable, believable, with effort, but unbeatable. I am so fulfilled in every aspect of my being. I am more conscious than I have ever been. I am open, honest and understood. I am excited about living and all the possibility!
My Sex, yes my sex, I am having the best sex of my life, the best I have ever experienced, EVER. The kind of sex I yearned for, the kind of lover I dreamed of, the kind of lover I thought may only ever live in my dreams, but finally- sex tied into all aspects of me and him and our bond, the physical sex, the emotional sex, the mental sex, the spiritual sex, the connection between us on all levels, ahh. Sex can be good with anyone, but to be mind blowing the best ever, this only happens when you have an amazing connection, mutual feelings and true honesty with not only each other, but within ourselves.
I have always been a fan of the 'falling in love' stage, as every woman is, but I want more, been asking people in long lasting relationships lately if its possible to remain in love, with very positive feedback, ah the Hope inspired! I look forward to someday looking into someones eyes and realizing just how in love I still am with this person, years and years later, the falling part is still there because growth never ceases, I look forward to the falling, the staying, the growing, and allowing.
All my dreams come true, just the way of the universe I suppose, I am living in this magic and I feel blessed.....

No comments: