Wednesday, June 22, 2011


~Peace Flowing In~

Like all things,(for me at least) when you know what the problem is, you begin to have a great understanding of it and doorways begin to open.

The past few weeks have provided me the tools to truly make some big changes in my life and my self~growth has been so significant, I think even a stranger could see it today!

A zest for life I haven't had for a while has been rekindled in my soul with more enlightenment, understanding and clarity than ever before: GROWTH. I Love It! And I am so very grateful for it!

A couple of weeks ago I visited someone I care about and the issues she is experiencing are the type of issues I experienced for a decade of my life (teens to early twenties). Depression, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, eating disorders, self-hatred, self-mutilation, hopelessness; I felt like I was looking into a mirror and the fear began to set in. It wasn't even rational, things in my life were great, but I went into this strange downward spiral of darkness. I stopped feeling anything but despair, everything I said felt like I was stating a fact not anything I felt. I felt so disconnected, isolated, lonely and lifeless; just like I did for that decade of sadness, feelings so similar that I began to get scared, like I wasn't in control anymore, like I have been living a lie, fooling myself to believe that I am a healthy happy person and I have been fighting the inevitable. That in reality, I am a self-hating, miserable person and it was time to face the facts. These things did not resonate with me, but they felt so strong that I couldn't overcome them. I started journaling about self mutilation, trying to reason with my mind. And the biggest fear on my mind was that self-mutilation is an addiction, something I can't ever really get over, even though it has been 5 years since I hurt myself and admittedly I wouldn't recognize the woman I was then. But I was afraid this darkness was right, that I am stuck in the sadness and it will never go away, so one afternoon when I was really upset and depressed, I cut myself, to see how I would react. It lessened the emotional anxiety, it scared the hell out of me and then, probably in the same moment, I realized that I could do it again, but I didn't want to. I understand the repercussions of taking that path and they are all negative, they are dark and that is no longer a path for me. I am so happy to have realized that it did not stimulate the same reaction it once did. I have grown so much, I crave all the positive and healthy tools I have in my life now. Cutting myself was not a good idea, I do not support anyone hurting themselves, but from it has begun such a much more intense healing in my life that I cannot regret doing it, it is a part of my path and thankfully I now KNOW it is also a part of my past, not my future. I realized that although this darkness felt like it had a strong hold on me, as soon as I felt the difference in cutting myself now then when I was unhealthy and miserable, that I could take control, that I am not living a lie, I know that I am who I choose to be and I am happy with that.

This has created a harsh distance between the girls father and myself, him being my best friend prior to finding out about this incident days later. A distance that hurts like hell. I could not lie though, I will not lie about it. And that is the right decision for me.

This is a part of my truth and maybe it is ugly, but to me what blossomed out of that darkness is so bright and promising that I feel blessed.

I cannot change how other people react to the things I have done, but I can stand firmly in who I am, how I got here and where I am going. I do not want darkness to be a part of my life, I spent years discovering ways to make changes in my life so I can be a healthier happier me and I continue to do so.

The Most Important Part: Seeking and Finding
Being heard, not just heard but understood feels so amazing. Relief. Love. Gratitude. I went to see a counselor today to talk about these issues, and when I was done talking the very first thing she said was 'can I tell you what I hear? You have symptoms of PTSD {post traumatic stress disorder}' and it began to all make sense, I had been referring to the visit with this girl as a trigger, but I didn't understand why I went into such an illogical darkness and it suddenly was clear. She was right, this is why I was here. The ten years I spent in a whirlwind of sadness and despair are very hard memories for me to even think about, it was a traumatic time in my life, a lot of self-abuse and I went there, right back to being a girl with all those issues. This trigger threw me back there so fast I didn't know what happened. I am already fasting, cleansing, healing and now to deal with this PTSD directly, first is to be aware of what triggers it, which I am and I know from dealing with this once before in my life (directly after someone tried to kill me) that EFT {emotional freedom technique} is amazingly beneficial to me. So I will continue to work on me, discover more about myself, see how much healing can occur and then go even further.

I am loved, I am supported and I am Happy. I get to be ME, not what I once was. I am moving forward, I am claiming my right to grow.

PTSD Information

-Bold lettering are my experiences-
People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.
Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity
Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Recurrent distressing memories of the event
Repeated dreams of the event
Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance
Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
Feelings of detachment

Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
Lack of interest in normal activities
Less expression of moods
Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
Sense of having no future

3. Arousal
Difficulty concentrating
Exaggerated response to things that startle you
Excess awareness (hyper vigilance)
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Sleeping difficulties

~Love and Light to Everyone~


Dale Rodia said...

Sending you thoughts of healing and happiness with lots of LOVE!!! - Dale

Michelle Lynx Lyall said...

This is such a beautiful piece of your story and although where you have been is the dark side, it is only when we find love and forgiveness for ALL aspects of ourselves that we become whole and truly heal. You are there and it is an honor to be a witness to your journey. Thank you for sharing this with me and the world, it is through your experiences that you are a living example for healing in others. There isn't a question that you are in your friends life at this time when his child is struggling, hang in there as you are an opportunity for them heal.

Love and blessing you beautiful soul, Michelle