My friend Stephanie, my soul sista', wrote the following poem in ode to me:
when we talk you never listen
i pour my heart into this relationship
yet i never receive
I know I'm better then this and i deserve more yet my self esteem is low so i deal with it
Today i spread my wings and say Fuck you
I'm living my life with out you and your bullshit ass ways
no longer will i let you hold me back
or will i cry about you
or will i want to help you when you don't even want to help yourself
The mirage is over now i can begin to heal
Time to be a butterfly no longer a caterpillar
Last night my yoga instructor who is also a dear friend commented on how nice it is to have me back in the Tuesday night class, my regular class for the past 5 years, I replied without hesitation, 'it feels good to have MY life back,' and as I spoke those words I heard them, deeply. I haven't been living MY life, I have been living my life in accordance to how my boyfriend wanted me to on too many levels. (I hope it is obvious that I am not blaming anyone, I make my own choices) I had given up my favorite yoga class so I could attend something with my (now ex) boyfriend to be supportive, even though it put me behind on my required hours (for my yoga teacher certification) and it was my favorite part of the week. I am okay with making compromise, but there comes a time when we have to be honest with ourselves and realize that the compromises are supposed to be balanced. I repressed my sexuality to try to meet him where he is. I tried to need nothing; so the relationship wouldn't end. I gave up parts of me, made efforts that weren't returned, I loved blindly ignoring what was right in front of me in hopes of creating a partnership. And when I put it like that it sounds like I was trying to make peanuts out of apples! I tested my own patience and tried to want nothing from him, to let go of desire and expectation is to let go of suffering; however, the lesson I learned is that there should be a balance, not emptiness.
The love I give I want reflected back to me in a Partnership. If what I am giving and receiving are two very different things it isn't a partnership. I enjoy giving my love to others, freely and unconditionally, when I embarked on round 2 of this relationship cultivating unconditional love was my goal, a goal I have achieved. I love Shane, completely and unconditionally. I also realize with my real eyes that we weren't engaged in a partnership. I can let go of the title and release my hopes and desires I had for him and I. I can do this because I am willing to see the truth, I invite clarity into my life. I have an abundant supply of love. I do not fear loneliness. I love me. I love me enough to not engage in relationships that leave me feeling so much emptiness. I want to give and receive and enjoy it. I also don't need a relationship, I want the healthiest, honest, loving relationship to be with myself first.
I am ready to be the Butterfly, no longer the Caterpillar............
Love & Light
Kandis ~ Mariah ~ Moon