Tuesday, January 10, 2012

She Said WRITE...

Loving Me More Than Ever Before...

My friend Stephanie, my soul sista', wrote the following poem in ode to me:

i feel alone even when I'm around you
when we talk you never listen
i pour my heart into this relationship
yet i never receive
I know I'm better then this and i deserve more yet my self esteem is low so i deal with it
Today i spread my wings and say Fuck you
I'm living my life with out you and your bullshit ass ways
no longer will i let you hold me back
or will i cry about you
or will i want to help you when you don't even want to help yourself
The mirage is over now i can begin to heal
Time to be a butterfly no longer a caterpillar

Stephanie D.

She suggested I write some more, so here it is:
Last night my yoga instructor who is also a dear friend commented on how nice it is to have me back in the Tuesday night class, my regular class for the past 5 years, I replied without hesitation, 'it feels good to have MY life back,' and as I spoke those words I heard them, deeply. I haven't been living MY life, I have been living my life in accordance to how my boyfriend wanted me to on too many levels. (I hope it is obvious that I am not blaming anyone, I make my own choices) I had given up my favorite yoga class so I could attend something with my (now ex) boyfriend to be supportive, even though it put me behind on my required hours (for my yoga teacher certification) and it was my favorite part of the week. I am okay with making compromise, but there comes a time when we have to be honest with ourselves and realize that the compromises are supposed to be balanced. I repressed my sexuality to try to meet him where he is. I tried to need nothing; so the relationship wouldn't end. I gave up parts of me, made efforts that weren't returned, I loved blindly ignoring what was right in front of me in hopes of creating a partnership. And when I put it like that it sounds like I was trying to make peanuts out of apples! I tested my own patience and tried to want nothing from him, to let go of desire and expectation is to let go of suffering; however, the lesson I learned is that there should be a balance, not emptiness.

The love I give I want reflected back to me in a Partnership. If what I am giving and receiving are two very different things it isn't a partnership. I enjoy giving my love to others, freely and unconditionally, when I embarked on round 2 of this relationship cultivating unconditional love was my goal, a goal I have achieved. I love Shane, completely and unconditionally. I also realize with my real eyes that we weren't engaged in a partnership. I can let go of the title and release my hopes and desires I had for him and I. I can do this because I am willing to see the truth, I invite clarity into my life. I have an abundant supply of love. I do not fear loneliness. I love me. I love me enough to not engage in relationships that leave me feeling so much emptiness. I want to give and receive and enjoy it. I also don't need a relationship, I want the healthiest, honest, loving relationship to be with myself first.



I don't need someone to tell me those things for me to believe them, I know them. {I am also a little freaky and I am done denying pieces of me} What I need is to be seen for who I really am. If someone cannot see me, then they aren't going to bring harmony into my life.

This holds true for partners, parents and friends alike.

You know the feeling like you're talking to a wall, even if someone is listening they aren't hearing you! Sometimes it isn't that they have a busy mind or want to ignore you, it is the simple truth that they cannot understand your point of view, they cannot understand YOU. And sometimes they just don't want to make the effort. These scenarios do not bring balance or harmony into our lives and we have to love ourselves and the other person enough to see the truth and move on, let go, release the grasping. I overextending my energy, repressed my sexuality, deprived myself of deserving what I desire.

I am choosing to embrace my sexual expression; no more repression! I see me for the beauty I illuminate, I choose to spend my time with people who SEE me.

In the past week I have had a ridiculous amount of compliments on how healthy & happy I look. It feels good to have what I am feeling inside reflected from the outside. It is affirming.

A friend who knows me VERY well commented on how this is the strongest she has ever seen me be. Again the truth spilled from my lips like water flowing through the stream,

'This is The Strongest I Have Ever Felt, Ever.'

I do not pretend to be made of perfection, but I am proud of my progress in my life, who I have become and I stand in the light of continuing growth. I have made so much progress in my life from the girl I once was to the beautiful woman I now am. I am ready to be seen, the more I embrace who I have become the more I am seen.

I embrace the strength I feel cradling my heart.

The clarity I have been gifted has lifted my heavy heart and gave me wings.

Gratitude seeps from my entire being.

I embrace my Yoga journey. Yoga is so much more than asana (the physical poses). It is a way of life. I embrace the teachings and challenges on this journey. I am empowered.

I am on a path illuminating all truth and I WANT to SEE!

I am ready to be the Butterfly, no longer the Caterpillar............

Love & Light

Kandis ~ Mariah ~ Moon


KT said...

Wow, this article brought tears to my eyes...you are so beautiful and genuine. I see myself in so much you write. You have a wonderful gift! Keep being you, cause I love you :)

Christina said...

I am 100% with you. I am mainly just facebook friends with Shane, and I do like him and see that he is a good man, but I totally understand where you are coming from.

I imagine you and I are similar in a lot of ways and I can see he is a bit different from me.

You are beautiful and sexy and I think you need to blossom on your own and be your own woman. Most men have a problem with my "strength" but it is who I am. Be who you are!!

I am glad I got to meet you!!