Saturday, January 31, 2009

My Rebirth

Today I feel like sharing a story of my death and reacquaint with life. On July 11th, 2006 I swallowed a handful of pills after downing a bottle of wine with my fingers crossed in hopes I would never see tomorrow. Well next thing I saw was EMT's then I have few vague memories over the next 3-4 days then I was on a plane to a little place called Cordova where my family was at the time. On the plane a man turned around and after some small chit chat told me how he admired me for being a great mom, yes my son was next to me and I seemed like such a well mannered mommy, not a clue. I was like-wow-maybe, but little does the human face express if people aren't looking for it! I arrived in Cordova and 2 things happened of great significance which are the point of this story.
First my sister invites me to go for a hike to the reservoir, I was so excited, with a gun strapped to my hip to protect me from the fear i called 'Bear,' little did I know; we began our trek up the mountain and as we got deeper into the thick brush and trees I began to plead, let's just turn around, I was so afraid to confront my fear I called 'Bear.' But eventually after much coaxing and teasing by my sister who is 8 years younger than I, we popped out through the brush to a beautiful and serene, almost sacred reservoir of water surrounded by mountains and peace.
We stripped down into our suits and dove in, the chill was indescribable, the feeling unexplainable, but all my fear left me and I felt, i felt into the deepest pits of my being, the dark places that felt like they had never seen light, they felt, I felt. I culd see, I could see the purpose is to feel, not to avoid feeling, but to feel it, no matter how difficult a feeling may be, feel it and be grateful. I no longer named my fear 'Bear.' My fear had been the reconnection to myself, to have my spirit back, it had been disconnected for so long and I was fighting it with all my might, deep down my disconnected being knew what await me atop the tree line and it fought it.
I had killed myself, I had accomplished what I had set out to do. And I am so very grateful I did. I was lead to my reconnection to my spirit, mind, body and soul; From there I walked down a path of light and healing and I remain on that path today.

Event number 2: Still in Cordova, my whole family loaded up in the truck and we drove to the glaciers and had a great day of sight seeing and on our way back to town we came across a coyote, it was eating something on the side of the road so we drove up slowly. The coyote was skiddish, but stayed close by. As we got closer we realized it had killed a swan and was eating it, as we looked closer the swan was jerking a litte, its neck was open, wing torn off, leg mangled, the coyote was eating it. Us girls appauled said 'its still moving its alive!!' Dad said 'no, its just nerves', we said 'yeah right!!' Dad again said' girls its just nerves, look at it, its dead!' Well a few a minute or so later, maybe less that swan lifted its head and mustered all its strength and stood. It looked around a while reorienting itself with the living world than began to wobble its way towards the truck, it stopped momentarily when next to the truck, looked up and honked, continued walking and disappeared into the brush.
We were all thinking it and I knew, Mamma Universe had spoken. Do not deny your will to live, accept it and live; no matter what.
That swan despite all odds chose life in the face of death and days earlier I had chosen death in the face of life. I was wrong and the message was clear. It was time to Live and I have been living ever since. If only you can imagine the significance of that occurrence, it was truly awe inspiring. Everyone looked at me as if the message had been to all of us, and we all understood.

I am grateful everyday I chose to live and my life has been full of blessings and gratefulness ever since. I too months later faced death as a man used his body to try to break mine, but I had a will, the will to live and no one would take that away from me. I chose life, strength, and to rise above. I fought for my life, because finally it was my most precious possession. I am now amongst the ones who Live, who truly live and are grateful for it. I do not share this with many people, because many people would not understand it, but it is here for those who may and even those who may not, but you never know when something read will resurface when needed.

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