Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Lot of Honest. What is Family?

I do not come from Love

Time to stop hiding from my reality. The emotional and mental abuse I endured growing up is real and has lasting effects. I work hard everyday to be the best person I can be and for these experiences I am grateful.

I do not come from a place of love. love and appreciation have been journeys to learn and express, something lacking, something I desired for so very long. . I have never felt appreciated in my relationships, family or romantically. I finally realize why, without those bonds growing up, it was a struggle to find what I needed, when what I needed was so unfamiliar.

But standing in my light, my truth: love, I release shadows from my life and with the shadows, sometimes whole persons. I am so very grateful for my wonderful friends who are more my family than ever before. I choose love and I love well. I choose to be supported. I choose love; plain and simple. If you can not love me, then don't try to stand in my light, it is much too bright.

My mother never liked me growing up. She currently shows interest in my son, but not me. she used to hit me and kick me all the time, called me a bitch the whole time i was growing up, told me i was the reason she was unhappy and how she would have had a great life if i were never born. She was never interested in the things I did; she has never liked me or acted like she was proud of me. It hurts very much, but on her own journey she must walk, may light find its way into her heart as I find myself releasing her from mine.

My father is an irrational fool, says things that aren't true when he knows damn well they aren't. He told me a few years ago that he wished he had drowned me when I was born, that I am a piece of shit and so is my sister.
I do not come from love, I come from complete meanness, it was cruel the way my parents have chose to treat me and it hurts, the hurt doesn't just go away because I have accepted it over the years, it still feels open and on occasion they rub some salt in it too. But only if I am around, aha! Thus the need to remove myself from the situation.

I have never been appreciated by anyone in my family except Cheyenne. Being around them I feel unwanted and unloved; so why would I keep making them a significant part of my life or my sons? that kind of treatment has no place in my happiness.

"This is your father, well the guy that used to be your father, if you have any shit over here you'd better get it out by today, I am erasing your number from my phone as soon as I hang up and I will no longer have any contact with you. And if you can let that little Bitch Cheyenne make you treat your mother the way you did and let her treat your mother the way she does than I don't need anything to do with either of you ever again, FUCK YOU."
-this is the voicemail I received because my sister chose to move out of the house after a heated argument stemming from my sister and mother talking about how I fall short of good parenting, which they see my son maybe an hour a week if that! So she has come to stay with me for a while. And as a result of the past month of issues and slowly disconnecting myself from them, I decided to not go to thanksgiving. The voicemail is in response to my horrible treatment of my mother by calling her and explaining to her I will not be coming to Thanksgiving, then she did the mature thing and hung up on me; yes I am quite horrible for acting maturely right?please!

Does that sound like love? or like a father? or a mother? I am confused. I don't think I have ever been truly loved by my parents and it saddens me so deeply. I want to love, support and honor my son, I can't fathom treating my child the way my parents treat me.

I have 2 other siblings that treat my mother like a slave, curse at her, yell at her, tell her what a piece of shit she is, ask and receive money constantly and yet, I am repeatedly told that Cheyenne and I are the ones that treat her badly; what the fuck? i mean seriously, what the fuck? The other all out brawls we've had in the past were over, yes every time, over how one of my siblings treat my mom and Cheyenne or i chose to stand up for her, only to be slapped back down by her and the rest of them .
It hurts, but hopefully walking my path without their anger and cruelty will be a blessing.

Holidays are something I hope can be filled with joy and happiness, I want my son to know love, love that honors and respects one another. Holidays in my life were represented by a few things; #1 family coming together, #2 fighting and arguing, #3 my mother stressed out and miserable over something; not my idea of holiday family love! I want more for my son and my self. This thanksgiving I find so many doors of love opening to my son and I and I am grateful for each of them. I will be with my son, the love of my life and my sister, I will be happy, for I choose those who love me.
I choose to believe and act in a way that supports love and respect. What is family? family are those people in my life who offer me love, advice, concern and support. I am trying to release this burden I have carried for so long called family-loyalty, but finally I have the tools I need: I realize that my definition of family needs a little tweaking.

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