Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Path of the River: Mirrors

The river waters run over, through, around, atop, below and against the rocks and roots and obstacles in its way. Nature doesn't provide a smooth, obstacle free path; we are intended to learn.

I find that relationships with loved ones, although they tend to grow over the years, the patterns remain the same for they are deep rooted. I have found that certain people in my life, that I love dearly, don't suit my needs, they don't provide the harmony I seek in relationships. To come away from an encounter knowing that someone begrudges you for your happiness, doesn't support you, thinks your thoughts and ideas are invalid and has unfounded opinions of you, it leaves me drained and unhappy.

Dear so n so female, you have always been a constant wall in my life, you never accepted me for the person I am and have been, you judge me harshly, you fault me for your unhappiness, you don't say kind words to me, your support is false if ever present. I am surprised the more conscious I become that two people so intertwined by biology can vibrate on such different levels and yours is so low that it feels like I am drained every time I am around you, this is a feeling I avoid in all other people, if someone drains me, I remove them from my life, but like I said, we are intertwined, but all threads can become unraveled. And yes, I understand that you are a mirror to my fears, but these fears were instilled upon me by you during my upbringing and in order for this melancholy relationship of ours to grow or be less damaging to me emotionally, something must change, for I am unwilling to to continue this way.

Dear so and so male, I find your ignorance and stupidity astounding. The truth of the matter is, I am smart, I do know what I am talking about if I am talking about it. To realize that I have more knowledge in some aspects than you was a hard fact for me to face, but it is blatantly obvious. You choose not to validate my knowledge, you choose to ignore my truth, you choose not to listen, you try to belittle me- as if words like stupid and moronic and idiot really effect me anymore, I am a being of light who has much knowledge and love to give, if you don't want to receive then by all means, don't waste your time, or mine. I am sad to see you ignore truth, but your path is your own and I don't want your constant negativity to be a part of my life.

Dear sweet child, I do my best by you and in return I see you falling into behaviors of my own child hood, I don't know if you have been influenced by environment around you or not, but to be yelled at, hit, kicked and words spilling from your lips that literally made my heart feel as if it was shattering, its not bearable, mothering is the most rewarding and difficult thing I have ever done. I fill your path with love and support and I pray very much that you find in me the tools you need to find an everlasting life of happiness.

Who I am, I find myself judged for my choices so often, that on occasion I feel the need to sit back and analyze my life. I am a strong woman who believes in love, I want a life filled with love, happiness, support, growth, equality, partnership and joy. I don't need make up to feel pretty, I have nothing to hide. I like to wear my hair messy, I'm keeping the twine I braided and knotted in for Halloween, cause I like it. I like to wear my septum ring. I like my tattoos to show. I like to let my weirdness flow and yell as loud as I can, often, for no apparent reason. I like that I say random things and few people understand me, although I am constantly seeking those who do. I like to wear my yoga pants with no underwear and wear over sized wool sweaters- and yeah, I do feel sexy when I'm wearing it! I don't feel obligated to fulfill others expectations of me. My boobs aren't perky, they used to be, I had a baby and have lost 70lbs, and no, I won't ever get a boob job because I am me, I am real, is there really a better way to be? Not for me (although I judge no one for making decisions that best suit their own happiness, whether they be choices I would make or not). I want to help others find more health, happiness and harmony in their lives, but not at the expense of my personal expression and self truth. I can't truly help others if I am suppressing pieces of me.


So I recently made the conscious choice to find and embrace love. My fear is actually a need to be in control, to not be manipulated. As a result of my marriage I chose to be in control of all future situations so I couldn't be controlled, manipulated or abused ever again. 

Ahh, releasing that hindrance felt wonderful, with realization comes such great freedom. I choose to love equally and respectfully, honestly and in a way that preserves my self truth as well as his. I choose healthy love for the first time in all of my life. And I am grateful that my mirror chooses me.

No comments: