My blog is my outlet for pure honesty and self disclosure: you may learn things you don't want to know about me.
I come from an ever evolving sexual definition. I began as a silly girl in love, making love, turned into a girl who had sex to fill the holes in her heart, became monogamous and loved, fell in love with sex, had sex with people to hurt someone I loved at one time, a bout of celibacy, back to monogamy, more celibacy, monogamous sexual relationship with someone I didn't love or want in my life, back to a tinny bout of celibacy, and have decided that the emptiness I get after sex for the last year or so isn't worth having sex.
I am left with an emptiness only emotions can fill. Having sex without a mental, emotional or spiritual connection is draining to me, I can't find any value in the short minutes/ hours (all depends) of physical enjoyment. I am no longer a single thought being of simple sexuality. I need more.
I stand at a choice, I am not sure I even want to delve into a sexual 'event' without a strong sense of connectedness. On the other hand I have found sex that fulfills me, leaves me with no emptiness because a connection was established on other levels before the physical was explored. And upon exploring I discovered the feelings of being sincerely desired for who I am, not just a physical body and peace in my mind body and soul, when my actions are in alignment with my deeper self I evolve into personal harmony, a sense of fulfillment, knowing I am seen for more than just one facet of my self, I feel whole when I give and receive whole. A sense of true satisfaction.
When I have a purely sexual encounter with someone I give them a piece of my time, a bit of my mind and a part of my physical self, but when I am with someone who I feel an emotional bond to, I give them a piece of all of the above and a piece of my spirit. And I need to function on a spiritual level to maintain my wholeness.
So I wonder out loud, what draws me to purely sexual 'events' in my life when in the long run they don't fulfill me, is it habit or something more? I will act in a manner that appeases my sense of self and disharmony will just have to be my guide.